Brian Gallant says he will not ban pepperoni pizza

Brian Gallant says he will not ban pepperoni pizza

Fredericton – New Brunswick’s premier is a man who loves his pizza… but does he love his province more?

On Tuesday, Brian Gallant held what can only be described as one of his most bizarre press conferences to date (and yes, there is stiff competition for that title), announcing that he wouldn’t rule out a full ban on the world’s most popular pizza topping, pepperoni.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love pepperoni pizza! I love it so damn much, like I love my own mother,” stuttered the beleaguered, obviously broken man, choking back tears. “But it’s not about my personal feelings; it’s not about me drunkenly stumbling to the Tannery following the state of the province address after-party, and ordering a 22-inch Jack-gantic, super-thin, Brooklyn-style pepperoni pizza and eating the whole friggin’ thing myself, in the dark in that sketchy alley behind Klub Khrome where people are always peeing or smoking up.

“No, my fellow New Brunswickers, no, it’s not about me at all. It’s about all of us and when it comes down to it… I love my province more than pepperoni. Do you?”

Gallant rambled on for an hour and 40 minutes, necessitating that we paraphrase his tirade: pepperoni is NOT a typical product of New Brunswick and therefore must be imported, which hurts the the province’s economy, destroys jobs, and increases pizza prices — something that the premier seemed to take particular offence to.

To really hammer is point home, Gallant posed the question: “What is pepperoni, even? I mean, other than delicious, what the hell is it actually made of? You know what the main ingredient in chicken is? It’s chicken! Fish is fish, bacon is bacon, moose is moose, but pepperoni? What animal does that come from? I’ve never heard of a pepperoni but I know that they don’t live in New Brunswick and that means we have to buy it from other provinces! My government believes in buying local and in supporting entrepreneurs. We believe that the things we eat should… be… in this place!”

He then stepped away from the podium, extended his arm, and opened up his hand as if he were letting go of something. “Mic-drop,” whispered Gallant.

According to the handsome yet dimwitted premier, acceptable grown-in-New Brunswick pizza toppings include: apples, salmon, deer, fiddleheads, potatoes and… most beer from Picaroons?

Within minutes, the declaration proved to be Gallant’s most controversial proposal to date, spawning a major social media frenzy. Amid the backlash, Gallant released a followup statement on his personal Facebook page: “Whoa guyz, OK, look, I was just tryn’ to help our province’s struggling economy! I def wasn’t trying to to make pepperoni a scapegoat for my own political failings. BTW, here’s a new pic of my dog Blaze, playing in the snow outside the Irving Legislaaa… I mean, the provincial Legislature. OMG, ISN’T BLAZE TOTES ADORBS?!”

Luckily for Premier Gallant, everyone agrees that, yes, Blaze is indeed an acceptably cute canine.

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