Fredericton — Outgoing Liberal leader Brian Gallant is having the best day ever. After putting up with all of New Brunswick’s bullshit as Liberal leader over the past five years, he announced today that he’s moving on to a new job: being awesome and chewing gum — and he’s all out of gum.
“Don’t get me wrong, being premier was OK and I’m glad I got to check it off my bucket list. But, it gets to be a drag really fast,” Gallant confessed. “I’m going to enjoy the rest of my 30s and hang out with my hot wife and my kick-ass dog, do some lawyer stuff and just be amazing for a while. So, check ya later bros, best of luck.”
Gallant spoke exclusively to The Manatee today while wearing a dress shirt and underwear, dancing around his room like Risky Business.
“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be sooo fine. Maybe I’ll get a job in the civil service,” he mused while shaking his groove thang like it was his new job. “Hey, I’m bilingual after all…not that I needed to be bilingual, I just thought it was a good idea when I was an awesome baby and did it. Couple that with this jawline and these abs, and the future’s bright for the Bri-Guy.
“I feel like the weight of a $14-billion debt, a crumbling hydro-electric dam, and being a lightning rod for every frustrated New Brunswicker has been lifted off my shoulders,” he smiled widely, working his hips like Shakira. “I don’t envy the people who have to deal with that bullshit. Yikes!
“I guess I got into this whole Liberal leader and premier thing at first because I needed a summer job, and it just kind of snowballed from there,” he said wistfully, twerking it like Miley. “It’s been a wild ride, but it’s time for someone else to be the whipping boy for a change.
“At the end of the day, I don’t need to be premier or Liberal leader to be a bad-ass awesome dude with a bright future. Hey, close the door on your way out s’il vous plaît,” he concluded as he danced away, shaking that ass like boom shakalaka boom boom shakalaka.