BREAKING: STU reallocates men’s hockey funds to skydiving team

BREAKING: STU reallocates men’s hockey funds to skydiving team

Fredericton — To the shock (and relief) of many, St. Thomas University President Dawn Russell announced today that all the funds from the STU varsity men’s hockey team are being reallocated instead to the university’s varsity co-ed skydiving team.

“Enrollment is in free-fall; the men’s hockey team hardly ever wins, so you could say their success is in a free-fall too,” Russell told The Manatee earlier today. “All signs point to where the money really should go — the team for whom ‘freefalling’ means ‘winning.’

“Instead of spending around $245,000 to give free tuition, a paycheque, busses, two new sticks per game, personal trainers, massage therapy, jackets, not having to attend class but bribing profs to pass them, girlfriends’ hairstylists, and other miscellaneous but perfectly valid expenditures for the hockey team, just to have them lose all the time, we decided to put our money into a team that literally just has to jump out of a plane to succeed,” elaborated Russell. “It’s a pretty safe bet for us.”

The Manatee asked Russell why she couldn’t just cut her own salary of around $225,000 and that of the university’s vice-presidents who each make over $100,000, and put that in the skydiving team’s budget.

“If we don’t have a high salary, we would simply have no incentive to do a good job of managing this corporation… I mean university,” stated Russell. “Besides, the skydiving team deserves free tuition and bus rides and girlfriends and other great incentives just like any other men’s hockey team.”

The men’s hockey team members have expressed their outrage and disappointment at the sudden turn of events.

“I’m not here to study — I’m here to play hockey! What a rip-off!” cried an enraged star forward Kevin O’Blenis. O’Blenis plans on immediately transferring to Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia, where his talent on the ice and his penchant for breaking a stick every game will be appreciated.

Russell added that the Grant-Harvey Centre, which was built with the City of Fredericton as the STU hockey team’s home rink, will now be repurposed into the skydiving team training facility, with extra floors added for a good-sized jump.

More as this story develops.

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