Disgusted wives insist husbands’ barbers should be deemed ‘essential service’

Disgusted wives insist husbands’ barbers should be deemed ‘essential service’

Fredericton — While the COVID-19 pandemic continues to keep most businesses around the country closed, the provinces that seem to have had the most success flattening the curve have reason to be cautiously optimistic. In a move that is very against-type for the province, New Brunswick is currently among the best places to live in Canada, which has left many of its residents both flattered and surprised.

“I mean, until all of this started, I never really wanted to be…in this place,” New Brunswicker Greg Thompson told The Manatee, “But honestly, all that has changed now.”

Premier Blaine Higgs recently stated that as long as social distancing protocols can be maintained, certain businesses can prepare to reopen. While restrictions are being relaxed in the province, they are far from lifted, and it will be a long time yet before everything is back to normal.

One such business that some New Brunswickers fear won’t soon reopen are the barber shops. Women, in particular, seem to be the most upset about this, though for different reasons than one might suspect, according to Melissa Thompson.

“It’s not even about my own hair,” she explained, “I can just curl it or wear it up. It’s my husband. It’s been so long since his last haircut; he’s starting to look like one of those old Troll dolls. His hair just stands straight up. He hasn’t shaved since he got laid off, and honestly, I barely recognize him anymore.”

Thompson isn’t the only one disgusted by her spouse’s long hair. Joan MacBride, a hairstylist who works in downtown Fredericton, says her husband has gone so long without a haircut, that he now looks like a “Marv from the Home Alone movies.”

“I’ve been cutting hair for 20 years,” said Mrs. MacBride, “yet my husband won’t let me come anywhere near him with scissors now. It’s like he’s defensive of that mop on his head. He used to ask me to cut his hair all the time, ‘to save a few bucks,’ he’d say, but I know for a fact that his barber only charges his $8, so he was either being overly cheap or overly lazy.

“And besides, after cutting hair all day, that was always the last thing I wanted to do. But now, I’ve been begging him to let me cut his hair, buzz it for him, even, but he won’t entertain the idea. He keeps saying, ‘No one can do it like Dave,’ but that’s a load of crap. What is wrong with men?”

Peter MacBride, Joan’s husband, says that there is no way he’ll let his wife touch his hair.

“Are you kidding me? That’s the only good thing to come out of this whole coronavirus nightmare — there has literally never been a better excuse to grow your hair out like a wild man.

“Besides, I’ve got some money riding on this. My buddies and I all chipped in $50 each. When the barber shops open back up, everyone is going to go get a mullet. Last mullet standing wins the pot. #CovidMullet.”

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