Saint John — The Cherry Brook Zoo, a longtime fixture of the Port City, has announced that they will be permanently shuttering the facility, due to years of dwindling attendance and recent COVID-19-related financial complications.
“We’re absolutely devastated,” said Cherry Brook executive director Leslie McKinnon in a tearful video announcement this morning. “Now, there is nothing left to do but set our beloved creatures free.”
With this, she pressed a big red button on her table, prompting all of the zoo’s gated doors to open. All around her, tigers, zebras, turtles and apes began taking tentative steps out of their cages and sniffing around.
“Now fly, my pretties,” she said. “Fly!”
Just a few hours later, spectators began posting videos of the animals wandering aimlessly throughout the greater Saint John area.
A number of aspiring filmmakers have gotten up close and personal with the two released lions, recording their movements throughout the city. Two of these people have already been mauled to death. Four more have been given eight-episode orders at Netflix.
Atlantic Superstore has reported that the sale of fresh vegetables has come to a standstill after a number of snakes were seen slithering through the produce section. Apple purchases, however, are reported to be way up.
Later, a six-year-old capuchin monkey was spotted jabbing at a control panel inside the Irving Pulp and Paper Mill. He’s since been promoted to regional manager.
McKinnon, for her part, says she doesn’t know why people are complaining.
“I don’t understand the backlash, no,” she wrote to The Manatee in an email. “If you’re one of those hippie protesters who believe that animals shouldn’t be in cages, I’d think this would be, like, a wet dream for you.
“And, if you’re someone who actually enjoyed the zoo, well — congratulations, now you can enjoy it for free,” she continued, sarcastically. “Because, apparently, $10.50 a ticket was just waaay too much to ask.”
Several incredulous community groups have lobbied the provincial government to take action against this “senseless and dangerous move” on behalf of the zoo.
Premier Blaine Higgs made his position clear in a video response posted earlier today on the GNB Facebook page.
“All of you people are supposed to be at home and indoors, anyway,” he said flippantly. “If you’re following the rules, then it shouldn’t affect you whatsoever.”
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