St. Stephen — Rainbow crosswalks? That’s right, rainbow friggin’ crosswalks are what councillors in the small border town of St. Stephen are finding themselves entrenched in controversy over, months after every other self-respecting community in New Brunswick has dealt with the addition of the symbol of inclusion and acceptance.
“I mean, for it or against it isn’t the issue here,” said New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant while shaking his head. “Just get your shit together, St. Stephen. This is 2016 stuff you’re dealing with while the rest of us are getting ready for 2018 — the longer you live in the past, the less time you have in the future, dudes.”
Gallant continued to discuss with The Manatee other issues he thinks St. Stephen might be dealing with after learning about their controversial hesitation to support the implementation of a new rainbow crosswalk near a local school.
“Are they fighting over whether or not to charge late fees at Blockbuster?” he laughed with his beautiful smile. “Are they letting women vote yet? Are boys and girls allowed to be in the same class? Geez, they probably haven’t even heard about CrossFit or hot yoga — both of which I’m obviously a big fan of.”
Our reporter wasn’t able to secure an interview with the town’s mayor who was quoted by CBC as being “so confused” by the controversy, though residents were quick to confirm that the mayor’s confusion is a pretty regular occurrence.
“He’s always confused about something,” declared an unnamed man wearing nothing but camouflaged clothing. “Whether it’s something to do with pot, or how to take a joke. One time he even asked a newspaper or something not to use his name — he’s even confused as to what it means to be a public figure.”
Jennifer Powerton, a lifelong St. Stephen resident, was disappointed that council is spinning its wheels on the debate.
“Frankly, it’s embarrassing that we’re still talking about this,” she expressed. “We look like a bunch of hillbillies who can’t get with the times. I say we just move forward with the rainbow crosswalk and then make everything rainbows going forward so we can be ahead of the curve for once. Rainbow parking spots, rainbow basketball courts, heck, let’s do the whole road in rainbows and be the world leader on this thing!”
At press time there were still no plans for or against the crosswalk and the mayor is still very confused.