Fredericton — A group of St. Thomas University students who are experts in the field of deciding whether people are Nazis have confirmed that, if someone dares to disagree with you — the inherently correct party — about anything, that indeed makes them a Nazi.
“And it’s safe to assume they’re also sexist, racist, misogynistic, homophobic — all the bad stuff,” said the group’s leader, whose affectation led him to adopt the pretentious nickname “Marx K.” “Even if they’re technically on the left politically, if they’re not quite as left-wing as you are, that means they’re no better than some white supremacist.
“We also want to confirm that the best way to convince someone to see things from your point of view is still to pigeonhole the person, paint them as evil, and then to insult them repeatedly. Just call them a tone-deaf bigot or whatever.”
The group uses this tactic of spewing insults and labelling their enemies in order to better the world, instead of tangibly helping the marginalized groups they’re supposedly trying to protect.
“We are doing something,” whined one of K’s minions. “Everyone we hate uses sweeping generalizations to attack entire groups of people. It’s sickening. If we don’t tell them off, they could go around spreading their hatred forever!”
We asked K what inspired him to form this group. He said it all happened when he developed a crush on an attractive student from his political science class. “I asked her out, and she turned me down. Me! I’m an artist and a well-read intellectual,” said the 23-year-old, “so there was clearly something wrong with her. For sure she’s a Nazi. No question.”
Our reporter spoke with the girl, even though K insisted we didn’t need to because he already had her completely summed up.
“I just don’t like the dude. He’s boring, never shuts up in class about shit he knows nothing about, and he has to make everything into a big contentious issue — and he’s just not my type,” she told us. “Guys like that can’t handle rejection of any kind, so naturally he sent me a million-page email telling me off — while also weirdly trying to suck up to me? — and wrote a big Facebook status explaining how he was wronged and that I’m basically Hitler. What a fuckin’ martyr.”
We informed K about her response. He appeared not to understand.
“Ugh, excuse me?!” he sputtered. “Did she not even consider the most salient points of my 2,500-plus word email? I spent all weekend writing it. My friends even told me how smart and provocative it was. I explained that she’s a cold bitch for not going out with me, and that she’s probably just sexist and racist, and would rather date a Nazi than someone like me. I said she’s not even that hot and that I never really wanted to date her anyway. What about that doesn’t she get?!”
K and his friends regularly find someone to disagree with concerning one small thing, and then gang up on the person, ignoring the fact that their attackee is a complex human being with a range of emotions, thoughts, struggles and experiences.
For example, he recently wrote a long, tedious letter to the editor of the local newspaper about whatever political issue he felt they weren’t covering well enough. They decided not to print it, because it objectively wasn’t very good. In response, K turned to Facebook to unleash some of his trademark rage and a slactivist call to action:
“Wow. Just wow. What a bunch of Nazi dickweeds at the paper,” wrote K. “Love that they reject me but print all these other so-called writers who are mostly just racist hacks. Boycott the newspaper!”
He then posted his rejected letter in full because he couldn’t bear for his brilliance not to be seen by his like-minded Facebook friends.
“The way I see it, there are no grey areas…people are either all good, or all evil,” concluded K. “And if I’m good, that means these trolls who have the wrong ideas are evil. The best way to make the world a better, more inclusive place is to put up barriers between you — the person who understands politics and life as a whole — and everyone else.”