Heaven — Omnipotent beings are going to have a little more time on their hands, courtesy of Canada’s Supreme Court. Last week, the Supreme Court of Canada decided the town of Saguenay, Que., must stop reciting a prayer at the start of council meetings. Despite the ardent objections from faithful Christians, God told The Manatee that He is actually fine with being omitted from the proceedings.
“Oh, thank Me that I don’t have to attend those boring Legislature sessions or city council meetings anymore,” said God. “Good grief, I can’t stand those things and frankly, I don’t need to be there.”
In 2011, Quebec’s human rights tribunal ordered an end to prayers before town council meetings in Saguenay, and demanded that a crucifix in the city council chamber be removed. The Quebec Court of Appeal overturned the tribunal in 2013. Last week in a landmark decision, the country’s top court ruled that reciting a Catholic prayer at municipal council meetings infringes on freedom of conscience and religion. Although mentions of the Almighty may start to be omitted from proceedings across New Brunswick and the rest of the country, God is not at all fussed about being left out.
“When they start these proceedings with a prayer, I kind of feel like I have to be there,” said God. “They ask me to watch over the meeting and give them wisdom and everything. But hey, what the heck do I care about parking by-laws, pothole patching and union pensions? Jack squat, that’s what. So I usually just end up sitting there like a Holy Ghost, hoping to Myself that it will mercifully end soon.”
He continued, “And don’t get me started about the New Brunswick Legislature. They start out with a prayer, and then I have to sit through the shit-show that they call Member Statements and Question Period. Hey, I’m eternal and I’m still thinking, ‘Wow, there’s an hour I’m not getting back.’”
Both Fredericton and Saint John city councils have said that they intend to keep praying for now. “I just don’t get it. I thought I settled this back in the New Testament with the whole ‘render unto Ceasar’ thing. Now, they’re getting explicit direction from the top court and still not changing anything. Jeez guys, take a hint already,” said an exasperated God.
When asked about what else God had on his to-do list, He was visibly vexed. “Look, I get really frustrated when people pretend like I have nothing better to do than involve Myself with every little petty happening in human life. I’m planning a whole fire-and-brimstone Revelation-type end-of-the-world thing here. Just for a second, try to picture the logistics involved with a rapture … it’s a nightmare. I just don’t have the time to be fussing about rezoning and parking tickets.”
“By the way, and I’m just going to put this out there,” concluded God, “I’m pretty sure that Robert’s Rules of Order is a tool of the Devil and it governs all the suffering in Hell. Do what you will with that information. It just needed to be said.”
Hilarious. God ain’t got no time for that!
Finally, he can now spend more time choosing the winners of Hockey and Football games.
I’m eternal, but that’s an hour I’m never getting back… Haha!