Atlantic Canada — The country’s chief public health officer is reminding Canadians to wear non-medical face masks when physical distancing is not possible, calling it an extra layer of protection that citizens shouldn’t be without in social settings. An unexpected group has stepped up to protest the measure, though, citing discrimination.
“I’m, like, super attractive, and I can’t be covering my face just because it might help other people live longer,” said local hottie Jared Mitchell, who somehow comes from Saint John, N.B., of all places. “I refuse to do it. It’s not fair to hold hot people to the same standard as uggos — it’s not even a sacrifice for them!
“All hot people unite! Say no to face coverings!”
Mitchell’s girlfriend Haley Deveau of Fredericton, who is a certified 10, agreed with her partner, and intends to stand against face masks, as well as attract other sexy people to the cause.
“I’m a total snack,” she said. “How are people going to know that if I’m covering all my best features with a stupid piece of cloth? Yes, I have this rockin’ bod, and yes, my hair is amazing even though I haven’t been to a salon in like three months — honestly, it just looks like this when I wake up — but with a mask on you can’t see my full lips, my even, white teeth, my clear skin, my cute dimples.
“What is even the point?! I might as well get coronavirus. Brings new meaning to the term ‘drop-dead gorgeous,’ eh?”
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau got wind of the discontent from the East Coast knockouts, and announced that he plans to lead by example.
“I myself am widely considered to be a highly bangable dude, but I’m more than willing to cover up my symmetrical features and killer smile if it prevents even one Canadian from contracting COVID-19. I’m calling on all attractive people to follow my lead and take one for the team.”
Trudeau offered some helpful tips on how to cope in this trying time if you happen to be a smokeshow.
“There are plenty of other ways to convey sexiness. You can still wear tight, revealing clothing that shows off your abs. You can flirt with your eyes. You can even try to develop a winning personality — in fact this may be the perfect time for that. Read a book, listen to cool music, and use that new knowledge to your advantage on Tinder. If all else fails, you can carry around a flattering selfie to show anyone you may want to impress.
“It’s not that hard, people.”
New Brunswick Premier Blaine Higgs weighed in, saying he intends to follow the directive to cover his face, even though his mother tells him he’s very handsome.