Fredericton — Local political science student Brad Ferguson was reportedly amazed by his own brilliance today upon making an astute observation in class about U.S. President Donald Trump, the likes of which he’s pretty sure has never been heard before.
“I always suspected I was smarter than most, but I didn’t realize my sheer mental capacity and the possibilities that lie dormant within my own mind until this moment,” said the insufferable little twat. “I always knew that my ideas were completely original, and this just verifies that hypothesis.”
Ferguson regularly bores his professors with long, tedious essays that essentially repeat the same mundane ideas in different words.
“He uses an online thesaurus to really wow me,” said professor John Barry, rolling his eyes. “And he ends up saying the same thing as every other student, but with words he barely understands. If you give him a B, he gets his parents to come in and argue for him.
“In class, he’ll get this look on his face that you can tell he practised in front of the mirror — it’s sort of a cross between fake introspection and barely concealed pompousness. Then he’ll slowly raise his hand as if he doesn’t really care whether I call upon him or not. But it’s clear he does care. Very much.”
Barry said Ferguson interrupted him in class with the amazing observation that convinced the student once and for all that he’s special.
“He said something about Trump being not a president so much as a reflection of our current political climate, and mentioned some regurgitated garbage about pendulum swings and being ‘on the wrong side of history,’ and it derailed from there into an inept comparison between Trump and Trudeau. He ended his little tirade by saying that, if we’re not careful, we could be breeding our own right-wing Trump-esque politician right here in Canada.”
This is not the first time Ferguson has impressed himself. In fact, it happens on a daily basis. A quick glance at his Facebook profile shows at least one paragraphs-long status per day that yields little to no interaction from other users. Topics include politics, current affairs, public policy, literary classics and foreign independent cinema.
“I made the mistake of going on a date with Brad and wasted two hours of my life listening to him mansplain the realities of climate change,” said Tara Moorcroft, one of Ferguson’s classmates. “Any time I tried to put in a word, he’d quickly interrupt to continue on his rant, and ignore what I was saying. I think he gets off on hearing himself speak.”
Moorcroft added that her date tried to impress her with all the foreign countries he’s visited on his parents’ dime.
“He actually called himself a ‘man of the world.’ I’m not even joking,” she said. “As if his horizons were sooo broadened by his week spent at a resort in Greece. His parents probably just wanted to get rid of him.”
Ferguson, a self-described “multimedia artist,” told The Manatee that he just wrapped up a short film script that will surely “blow the lid off of all our preconceived notions of existence.”
“It’s really an analysis of racism, sexism and classicism, but framed within a narrative about a young person who is alienated by their peers due to their heightened intellect,” explained Ferguson.
“The notion that we, as a modern society, should decide what is morally acceptable and what isn’t based purely on our emotions, rather than relying upon historical texts, has always struck me as curious. My film breaks that apart in a an easy-to-digest three-act structure,” elaborated Ferguson, before leaning back, palms open, and smiling at what he evidently thought were the most intelligent words ever spoken.
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