Saint John — Canada’s oldest independent brewer is attempting to infect what it calls “the world’s most contagious beer trend.”
In an epic misunderstanding of current events, newly minted CEO Skippy Oland announced today that Moosehead plans to go toe-to-fungus-ridden-toe with the popular new “virus beer” getting all of the headlines.
‘We realize that Corona’s new virus beer is spreading like the plague in China right now,” said Oland. “But, we aren’t giving up one iota of our global market share. We can make a new virus beer right here in Saint John that’s nasty enough to go viral around the world. Watch out Corona, we’re coming for you!”
Oland then proceeded to explain how the legendary brewery will engineer its new bug-ridden beer.
“It all starts with untreated water pumped in directly from the Marsh Creek, and then we mix that with needles we found on the ground uptown. That’s what gives it its unique Saint John flavour,” he said.
“Then, we swab in our secret ingredient! Our brewmaster Dwayne has got this nasty boil on the top of his butt cleft that just won’t go away. Everyone can see it when bends over — it’s really gross. HR has gotten tons of complaints! The smell is just unbelievable. Now we’re putting whatever that thing is to work for us!”
When asked for comment, virus experts at the provincial department of epidemiology looked stunned and simply said, “What the fuck?”
Update: Five minutes after this news release, Moosehead announced that Skippy Oland is no longer CEO and also no longer an Oland.