Saint John — Recently, a resolution calling on New Brunswick to relocate urban deer was passed by the Union of Municipalities of New Brunswick.
The following morning, the method for removal was finally agreed upon by both the union and the provincial government. After much discussion, it was announced that the deer would be relocated by the process of gentrification.
“Early in our discussions, we asked ourselves: what is the one thing that deer don’t have?” Premier Blaine Higgs told the press, raising an expectant eyebrow. “The answer to that question, of course, is money. It is a fact of nature that deer are poor as shit.”
Changing the projected slide to show blueprints for a pricey new outlet called “Whitetail District,” the premier continued to describe his plans.
“Be it resolved that we will commit to pricing all deer out of our residential neighbourhoods by the end of November,” Higgs said. “At least those whom we might consider ‘undesirables.’”
Making good on their word, the province sectioned off huge swaths of the wooded area surrounding Millidgeville for the establishment of a small strip mall. The lots were then leased out to high-end business establishments such as Abercrombie and Fawn, PraDoe, Bambi & Gabbana and, naturally, Star-Bucks.
“There,” said Higgs, crossing his arms triumphantly at the structure’s opening ceremonies. “Let’s see you try and afford these basic necessities.”
The deer stared blankly at the crowd, before dropping their heads and continuing to graze. After a moment, a comely doe walked up to the storefront, squatted, and began to urinate.
“Good Lord,” said Higgs, taking a tentative step back. “It’s a goddamn RIOT!”
With this, the humans began to run aimlessly while screaming bloody murder. Frightened, the deer added to the chaos by trotting in all directions before retreating into the woods.