New Brunswick — Another week, another big messy mixup by New Brunswick’s star rascal Premier Brian Gallant. A recent survey by Corporate Research Associates shows that the recently elected premier is losing favour with his beloved province, while the NDP is slowly stealing it. It is rumoured that Liberal party officials have had to give Gallant stern reprimands, telling him to “think about what he’s doing,” and tell them what HE thinks he did wrong.
Surprisingly, despite the sentiment of the majority of New Brunswick, the poll showed that many of the province’s mothers still hold a charmed affection for their adorable premier. “I think it’s important not to try to parent him while he’s growing up and finding himself,” explained Tracey Matthews, pausing from reading Leo the Late Bloomer to her 8-year-old son. “He’s at a stage in his premiership where we need to support him and show him that it’s OK to make mistakes, as long as we learn from them.”
“Brian knows that we love him no matter what, but it’s easy to forget when the other politicians are always yelling at him and putting him down. I’ve told him time and time again that he’s special. If we nurture his strengths, he may finally believe it,” smiled Sue McMillan, a volunteer soccer coach. “Show me a child who hasn’t broken a promise, or who hasn’t cut important programs. Boys will be boys.”
“Look, he’s apologizing. He obviously feels bad, so let’s pat him on the head and tell him to do better next time. Shaming him by bringing up the past teaches him that people shouldn’t forgive, and that no matter what he does, he’ll never be good enough. Is that really the kind of message we want to teach?” asked Linda Fellows, a daycare operator in New Maryland.
“I’m sorry for cutting the tuition rebate. It wasn’t nice of me to take that away from the other young adults in the province. I was lucky enough to get a job, but they’re still looking,” muttered an impetuous Gallant at an apologetic press conference today, staring at his feet. Many of the onlookers were mothers that couldn’t help but let out an audible and collective “Awwwwww” as Gallant blushed furiously.
But the population of New Brunswick is made of more than just mothers. Gallant will need to appeal to the senior demographic if he wants favourable results from the next poll. Something that, at the moment, doesn’t seem too likely.
“He’s a menace,” said Gallant’s neighbour, Glen Silverstein, 84. “Last week he hit a baseball through my window, then he used a slingshot to hit my cat. That was all in one day!” Silverstein was interrupted by a loud glass-shattering noise, to which he lurched out of his home, thundering: “GALLAAAAANT!!!”