New Brunswick — The Government of New Brunswick has recently been flirting with the idea of installing toll booths at certain high-traffic 4-lane highways throughout the province in an attempt to tackle its steadily climbing $12-billion debt.
It’s no surprise that Premier Gallant is scrambling for innovative ways to deal with the age-old crisis, and what better way to do so than to reach into the pockets of already-poor New Brunswickers to grab any loose change they would have otherwise spent on smokes or scratch tickets?
“We realize this prospective solution won’t exactly be met with open arms — and believe me, we feel for NBers — which is why we’ve come up with the creative, cheeky solution of installing claw machine-tolls instead,” Gallant said with a smile.
“Basically you’ll pay your dollar toll, then have a turn at the claw machine for a chance to win all sorts of prizes including stuffed animals, keychains, bouncy balls, and of course those stretchy, slimy hand things the kids love to torment each other with,” he joked. “Instead of just paying a boring old toll with no reward, you could have a 1 in 95 chance of winning a neat prize. It’s like having a year-round carnival every time you go for a drive!
“If that doesn’t make the trip from Moncton to Edmundston more exciting, I’m not sure what would,” he chuckled.
Gallant’s Liberals are now working on a deal with the Dollarama, who will be the main supplier of the claw-machine contents. Some New Brunswickers have made outrageous claims stating that if Irving didn’t evade billions of dollars in taxes offshore the province wouldn’t be facing such debt, but the government is confident that citizens’ absurd negativity will dissipate the second they’re the proud winner of stretchy slime-hand or a cute-and-cuddly stuffed tiger.
“We’ve got a good feeling that this will boost morale for all those down-and-out drivers,” added Gallant. “And who knows — if it’s a hit, maybe down the road we’ll add popcorn machine tolls to the fun!”