New Brunswick — A province-wide burn ban was issued yesterday at 2:40 p.m. under penalty of a hefty fine, leaving many local teenagers confused and uncomfortable when faced with the challenge of interacting with one another this morning.
“Me and my buddies were eating some old granola bars uptown earlier,” said 15-year-old Matthew Hessey. “And then Luke was like ‘this one is too hard,’ so I said ‘that’s not what your mom said last night.’ Then, out of nowhere, some asshole cop came over and gave me a ticket for $200 dollars! I was just like, what the hell?”
Police say that they will be strictly enforcing the burn ban for at least the next 24 hours, meaning that for the rest of the day, there will be a zero-tolerance policy against any and all quips, jokes or insults at other people’s expense.
“We have undercover agents out on the street, we’re tapping into phones, and we’re constantly refreshing our Twitter and Facebook feeds searching for any signs of an unkind word or clever insult,” said officer Lisa Remnick of the Moncton Police Force. “Suffice it to say, we are taking the burn ban very seriously.”
This burn ban is expected to primarily affect teenage males, a group whose ability to express sincere sentiment is considered to be profoundly underdeveloped. Some teenage advocate groups wonder if these young men will be able to communicate at all under the ban.
“See, the teenage boy uses the burn as a sort of defense mechanism,” explained child psychologist Dr. Margaret North. “Without it, they see themselves to be pitifully inadequate among their peers.”
The Manatee revisited with Matthew and his friends several hours later to observe how the burn ban had impacted their ability to speak to one another.
“Hey guys, are there any fruit cakes left?” one of them asked, while rummaging through the lunch bag they had brought with them.
“You’re a fru…you’re…I’d bet you’d…uh…,” Matthew stuttered as he struggled to properly reply. Finally, dejected, he let out a long sigh. “I dunno, dude. Maybe.”