New Brunswick — The results are in, and the numbers are alarmingly low. Last week CBC reported that this year’s New Brunswick deer harvest was the lowest it’s been in 42 years, while Alberta reported its highest total in recorded history.
“It looks like even the deer are heading out West now,” suggested Barry Halloway, a prominent New Brunswick biologist. “Obviously, there are a lot of mitigating factors to consider, but these results show a clear trend.”
Halloway explained that going into the deer-hunting season he actually expected numbers to be quite high.
“I was looking at the unemployment rate and figured with so many people off work, more would be hunting,” he said. “Camo sales were up, beer sales were way up and weather has been unseasonably warm — everything seemed to be aligning perfectly for a great hunting season.”
The Manatee asked Halloway what other factors may have contributed to the low number of deer being killed for sport.
“There’s no real science behind it,” explained the scientist. “But, when I look at the sales figures of alcohol this fall, I’m thinking maybe a lot of hunters got too drunk to even shoot this year.”
A Woodstock gamesman, Jeffery Rogers, scoffed at that theory. “Too drunk to hunt?” he laughed. “You’re never, ever too drunk to hunt. If anything, the more you drink, the better. I feel that way for pretty well everything in life, but especially hunting.”
The Manatee spoke with a local deer-whisperer from Sussex who told us why he thought the deer were leaving.
“One deer told me that she doesn’t feel appreciated anymore,” expressed Logan Adams, a weirdo from Sussex who talks to deer. “She said that she and her deer friends used to feel special in New Brunswick, but now all they hear anyone talking about it is fracking and unemployment. Deer just aren’t a hot topic anymore, so they’re looking for a new province where people will be excited to kill and eat them.”
Local conomist Maryanne Canney says that the New Brunswick government should be trying to find new, innovative ways to keep both its human and wildlife population in the province.
“Overall, it’s just kind of a crappy place to live,” she told our reporter. “The only reason I live here is because I drank a lot in university and finished last in my class, so I couldn’t find a job in the better provinces — any other province actually.”
Deer are just the most recent of New Brunswickers heading out to the oil-filled province of Alberta in search of a brighter future. Last week, The Manatee reported on Maugerville’s local celebrity Big Potato doing the same. If this trend continues, it’s thought that by 2025 New Brunswick will be left with nothing more than some raccoons, geese, a few old people, a giant axe, trees and the entire Green party of Canada.