New Brunswick — Blaze might be happy about Premier Brian Gallant’s engagement, but the female population of New Brunswick is not, and they’re packing their bags and leaving the Picture Province for good.
On the heels of Gallant’s exciting, potentially job-creating news, reports of a “mass exodus” of people, the majority of whom are reported to be women, were crossing the New Brunswick border into Quebéc — and no, they weren’t on their way to purchase cheap beer.
“There’s nothing here for me anymore,” declared a visibly saddened Emilia Jones of Fredericton. “I was living in the capital city, just hoping to get a chance to meet Brian and have him fall in love with me. Just imagine me as the premier’s wife — it was my dream ever since I was a little girl. But now that’s all down the drain and there’s nothing keeping me here. I’m leaving my job, my cats, my family and all of my stuff behind because everything reminds me of him.”
Jones told The Manatee that she doesn’t know where she’ll end up, but is considering Ottawa in hopes of coming between Justin Trudeau and his wife Sophie.
“If I’m going to break up a marriage,” she suggested, “it might as well be his.”
There appeared to be thousands of people coming together on the road to Quebéc, marching side-by-side in solidarity against Gallant’s engagement. But not all of those leaving were doing so out of heartbreak.
“I’ll never be able to find a woman to marry me in New Brunswick now,” lamented Kyle North of Woodstock. “Any woman I meet will be stacking me up against him and I can’t compare. I can hear it now… ‘I need my husband to be as handsome and as cool and powerful as Brian is — why can’t you have rock-solid abs and piercing eyes like he does?’ There’s no hope for people like me in New Brunswick.”
Early reports suggest the province’s population has dropped by almost 200,000 overnight, reducing New Brunswick’s total to almost what it was before people wearing camo were counted in 2015.
We contacted the premier early Tuesday morning; he was conflicted when confronted with the news.
“Well it was a great day for me,” he said gleefully. “Karine said yes, I was trending on Facebook, I had an awesome sandwich from Quiznos, did two hours of cardio, mom gave me a huge hug and Blaze didn’t pee on the floor all day — but this sorta puts a damper on things.”
Ever the optimist, though, Gallant was quick to empathize with those leaving the province.
“Sure, this could be really bad for our economy,” he admitted. “But, really, if people were going to leave, I’m glad that I’m the reason why.”