Grand Bay — A new series of studies conducted by UNB Fredericton and Saint John has finally ended the controversy surrounding the average size of the Eastern Canadian man’s penis. The study consisted of 15,521 men, which one can assume equates to the same number of “units.” As well, the subjects were mostly Caucasian, which is relevant for some reason.
The study affirmed once and for all exactly what size is normal, so men can finally stop wondering whether they measure up. The study does not only affect men, but women too. The Manatee asked Grand Bay resident Mae Bennett her thoughts on the recent findings. “I was scrolling down the newsfeed of the joint Facebook account I share with my husband, when I saw a thumbnail for the article,” she explained. “I then saw that it had already been ‘liked.’ I worried that it may have a negative impact on my husband Bruce’s self-esteem, though I’ve always told him that the size doesn’t matter.”
“I hollered to him from the other room not to get wrapped up in it, and reminded him that he’s 54 years old,” she went on. But instead of a reply, all Mrs. Bennett heard was the engine of her husband’s Toyota Tacoma starting up, followed by the screech of tires as he sped from the driveway yelling: “Goin’ out!”
Not surprisingly, there are plenty of people benefiting from the findings. New Brunswick Canadian Tire franchises, for example, have sold out of all brands of measuring tape. The Manatee interviewed the West Saint John chain-owner to see the event from a fresh perspective. “It was just a feeding frenzy,” he said, still in awe. “Men of all statuses were racing around the store, mumbling things like, ‘It’s average,’ or ‘This measuring tape is for a wood-working project. Err, no… Just a project.’ But as long as they’re shopping, I’m okay with it.”
Our correspondent even claimed to have witnessed consumers using various tools as estimations or reference points; men were seen holding up wrenches to the thigh area with determined or puzzled expressions upon their faces.
We even happened to catch Bruce Bennett purchasing a yardstick; when pressed as to whether his purchase had to do with the article he saw on Facebook, he seemed shaky in his response. “It’s not for me,” he stated. “It’s for a friend. He needs a package measured,” he stammered as he frantically scurried away.
If one thing can be taken away from this event, it’s that nobody cares more about the size of a “Johnson” than the man attached to it. Men all over the Maritimes can now rest easy knowing where they likely stand among their buddies. In addition, their spouses may also rest easy knowing they have plenty to gab about at their next book club.