Somewhere in the Arctic Ocean — In a move that stunned elves and reindeer alike, senior management in Santa’s Workshop are implementing sweeping changes in response to growing concerns about climate change, The Manatee has learned.
The changes, which will affect the manufacturing and delivery branches of the age-old organization as well as gift recipients, are expected to reduce the workshop’s carbon footprint and enable it to become more sustainable.
“Here at the North Pole, we are well aware of the effects of climate change,” an anonymous source within the internationally recognized toy manufacturer and distributor told The Manatee. “Our beautiful snowy hideaway is gradually turning into slushy mess,” he said, muttering, “Oh! Oh! Oh!” under his egg-noggy breath.
According to the source, some of the changes have already been implemented. The reindeer have been placed on a low-fibre diet to reduce their methane emissions and the workshop has been experimenting with wind turbines, which look remarkably similar to the little toy windmills children used to play with.
One of the most radical changes, though, will be that lumps of coal will no longer be left in the stockings of naughty children.
“We are moving away from fossil fuel consumption and, quite frankly, the determination of who has been ‘naughty’ and who has been ‘nice’ has become increasingly subjective. We just don’t have time to review all of the relevant facts before reaching a decision,” the not-so-jolly informant said.
“Along with our own attempts to mitigate the damage, we are calling on Santa Claus believers all over the world to take action to prevent the eradication of our workshop, and, indeed, our way of life,” he said. “Statistically, there are more people who believe in Santa Claus than in climate change, but we’re hoping that their love of Santa will overcome their desire to bury their heads in the tar sands, and they can help us fix this mess.”