Fredericton — As fears of the new “Omicron” coronavirus variant sweep the globe, Public Health is blaming anti-mask deer in New Brunswick for the virus’s newest mutation.
Omicron is said to have been first isolated in South Africa, but the provincial government revealed today that they have known for weeks its true origin is local deer herds right here in the Picture Province.
Infamous for their hostility toward wearing preventative face coverings, many whitetails are likely “radicalized” by fringe conspiracy theories on social media according to Public Health officials.
“Last week, the American National Academy of Science revealed that 40 per cent of whitetail deer tested in the northern states have been infected by COVID,” said Dr. Jennifer Russell, New Brunswick’s chief medical officer.
“Those infection numbers are likely the same in New Brunswick, meaning deer are probably the petri dish that created the latest variant of concern. If you spend a lot of time around deer, make sure you are fully vaccinated and for god’s sake wear your mask!”
Many New Brunswickers are not surprised to learn of this recent development. “You look around here, and not one of those goddamn mother-hoofers is wearing a mask!” fumed Rothesay resident Sarah DeVirginie. “They need stay off of Facebook or whatever the hell deer use on their phones, and think of the greater good!”
When asked for comment, every single deer approached by The Manatee wandered away aimlessly — probably going to watch Tucker Carlson or something.
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