Ottawa — You’ve heard of gender reveal parties — proud parents-to-be gather friends and family together to let them know whether their new baby will be a boy or a girl. Well, now Canada is getting in on the trend and tonight hosting a “prime minister reveal party.”
“We already know who it’s gonna be, but YOU don’t!” exclaimed legislature secretary Carla Bonham, who’s been diligently planning the big bash on the hill tonight. “This evening there will be ‘team red versus team blue’ games, coloured beverages, a piñata with red or blue candies, a cake with red or blue frosting inside, and as the election draws to a close, we’ll release thousands of red or blue balloons into the sky over Parliament Hill!
“What fun! All are welcome, but remember: if you know the secret, don’t ruin it for anyone else. No spoilers, please!”
Today may be your last chance to make your prediction, but in Canada, we are all well aware that the prime minister will be either Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau for another term, or Progressive Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer.
“The whole ‘voting’ thing is just for fun, and it lets Canadians far and wide feel like they’re in on it,” said parliamentary page Oliver Stirling. “The other options — like green and orange — are just to throw you off the scent a bit. It’s all buildup for tonight’s party! I’m going to wear a red tux, because I just have a gut feeling it’s going to be Trudeau. Call it a hunch.”
Canadians are hosting mini versions of the national soiree in their homes.
“I can’t wait to find out whether it’s blue or red!” cried Saint John resident Patricia Miller. “I’m guessing blue, so I put the Conservative sign on my lawn, and put up blue streamers in the house. My next-door neighboor put up a red sign. She was right about my first two babies being girls, so who knows — maybe she has a sixth sense for these things?”
The party starts at 10 p.m., to make sure all Canadians get time to vote.
Employers across Canada must allow their staff up to three hours to leave work and make their guess as to whether the PM will be Scheer or Trudeau.
“What I don’t get is why, if they already know who the prime minister will be, I have to let my slacker-ass workers take a long lunch to go place their bets,” grumbled Subway manager James Lisbon of Halifax. “Seems like I’m getting ripped off, here. Unless the brains up in Ottawa are gonna send me some of that cake in the mail, what’s in it for me?”
Like the classic gender reveal party, there will always be naysayers who believe it’s simply a vanity project for those in the know.
“What’s the point of this? Isn’t is a waste of taxpayer money? Will it be a boy, or a boy?” asked sarcastic Charlottetown local Greg Reeves. “I would never go to a gender reveal party, and I’d never bother with this ‘prime minister’ bull, either. So why am I paying for it?”
“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud,” said Reeves’s wife Shelly. “It’s just for fun. People say Canadian politics are boring, but not tonight! It’s the one time we get to be silly and pretend our little opinions make a big difference.”