Report: Don Cherry to be replaced by your grandpa

Report: Don Cherry to be replaced by your grandpa

Atlantic Canada — Canadian hockey icon Don Cherry has been ousted as host of Coach’s Corner and it’s been announced by Sportsnet and CBC that they’re looking to replace him with your grandpa.

Cherry found himself in some hot water this weekend after using the term “you people” during Saturday night’s hockey broadcast and has reportedly stepped down from his position after being asked to apologize by television executives and refusing to do so.

Hockey Night in Canada executives are swiftly looking to replace the Saturday night mainstay with someone willing to give their opinion as freely and loudly as Cherry.

“We all got together and had a brainstorming session this morning,” explained CBC vice-president Ronald Terry. “We wrote down all of Cherry’s most beloved attributes and started thinking of who could easily fit that mould he’s created.”

The Manatee asked Terry for examples of the behaviours that made Cherry such a success.

“Loud, obnoxious, kinda racist — but only so much where it makes it easy for us to turn a blind eye toward it. We want them to be old so people can just attribute whatever is said to their age. White, obviously. Basically we want it to be someone who will just say whatever they’re thinking without really considering if it’s right or if it’ll be upsetting for people.”

Terry explained that when they put all of these “qualifications” on paper, they realized the perfect candidate would be someone’s grandfather from Atlantic Canada.

“One of our other executives, Brandon Thompson, is actually from New Brunswick and when he heard me listing off all of these attributes, he screamed out that he knew the perfect person — literally anyone’s Maritime grandpa.”

Thompson knew that he couldn’t hire his own grandfather due to a conflict of interest, but reiterated that really any grandpa from Atlantic Canada would most likely fit the bill.

“Who do you know who’s more out of touch than your grandpa?” he asked. “No one, that’s who. Grandpas are perfect. They can’t hear, which makes them shout everything they’re saying, they dress terribly, they don’t care what anyone thinks of them and they immediately think that anyone who isn’t white must be an immigrant — they’re basically Don Cherry clones.”

Our reporter hit the streets of Fredericton to ask citizens if they’d watch their grandpa host Coach’s Corner and the results were overwhelmingly in favour of the idea.

“My papa is hilarious,” cheered Rosemary Bliss. “He says the dumbest stuff ever and says it really loudly — he’d be perfect.”


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