Saint John — After Saint John’s Deputy Mayor Shirley McAlary called for a four-month ban on “negative” news during a city council meeting, the idea was met with some ridicule from the press.
But Mayor Don Darling ran with the idea, deciding to take it one step further.
“Sure, no negative news would make us at best a neutral city, but we have to prove we’re the best city!” explained Darling to the gathered press. “I can’t trust anyone in the so-called ‘media’ to report the facts, so our city is going to be launching our own positive, real news channel called Uptown News! Named after our beautiful, spotless uptown area.”
(The Manatee would like to once again point out that Saint John’s “uptown” is what every other city in the world refers to as a “downtown.”)
According to Darling, Uptown News will provide daily articles on various topics including, but not limited to:
– How much Don Darling loves Saint John
– How great the coffee is in the beautiful Uptown area
– How successful the Saint John startup community is
– How many cruise ship passengers stimulated the local economy this week
– How lively the Saint John music scene and nightlife are
– How respectful Saint Johners are of local quiet hours
– That #SaintAwesome is trending again
– How little fog there is lately
– That crime is decreasing steadily
– That the smell has gotten better
For Uptown News to be successful, Deputy Mayor McAlary is implementing the tried and true methods used by dictators from across the world.
“We’re scrambling the airwaves and letting nothing but the Uptown News show onto people’s televisions and radios, and blocking all other websites in the city,” said McAlary, while posing in a military uniform for a large painting to be mounted in city hall alongside that of Don Darling.
“Look, this is good for the people. We’re doing it for the benefit of Saint John. Sometimes people can’t make the right decisions themselves and you just have to do it for them!”
Not every Saint Johner is keen on the initiative, however.
“This is insane! Are they trying to hypnotize us into loving Saint John?” questioned Luke Waters, who works at Java Moose. “The people will revolt in two days, guaranteed. We aren’t idiots.”
A few patrons in the coffee shop glared at Waters, presumably for saying the negative word “idiots.”
“OK, fine, I’m actually from Fredericton and I moved here a few years ago.” admitted Waters. “But where I’m from we complain as much as we want, and stuff still gets done! What’s so special about Saint John?”