Saint John — While the City of Saint John is not officially recognizing “straight pride” since the concept is stupid as fuck, one local man is holding a celebration all his own, starting with painting a camo pattern on all the city’s crosswalks.
“Nothing says ‘I’m hetero and proud’ like camo,” said a clearly unemployed Jeff Peterson, 44. “Us straight people wear camo all the time — we put on our camo PJs to go to the Walmart, we wear camo vests and hats hunting, we wear camo hoodies to work, we wear camo Crocs and suits to weddings…it’s beautiful and it’s everywhere, just like heterosexuals. The only place ya don’t see camo is all over the streets.
“We’re gonna kick things off with the city’s first camo crosswalk. And by ‘we’ I mean ‘me’…I asked the mayor what he’s gonna do about straight pride, and he kinda brushed me off. But I’m not taking no for an answer — it’s the straight guy way!”
Peterson put down his paints, opened a camo Alpine that he must have had in his fridge since last fall, sat on the curb with his ass-crack showing, and explained further.
“I seen a lot in the news about ‘pride’ this and that, and I got to thinkin’ — why do the gays get all the fuss? Why do they get their own week, and a parade, and rainbow crosswalks? Us straight people have been left out for too long!”
Legally, Peterson is not allowed to paint over crosswalks with camo or any other colour or design.
“Ugh, not this guy again,” said Mayor Don Darling. “I told him 10 times he can’t just slop green and tan paint all over the streets because he feels entitled to attention. But now he’s started going around in the middle of the night with his paint buckets in the back of his truck. I can’t be watching this fool around the clock — I have ‘Budgets and Beer’ meetings to plan!”
Another Saint John resident, who wished to remain nameless, stands firmly with “the straights.”
“During ‘pride’ I’ve been driving my minivan around, hauling my anti-gay signs on a wooden wagon that I made myself. I basically found everything in the Bible that could support my hatred and put it up so gay people will know they’re going to Hell. You know, stuff like ‘God Hates Homos’ and other time-honoured facts.
“It’s about the God-ordained nucleur family,” added the twice-divorced bloke.
“And honestly, I got nothin’ better to do since I got fired from work for sexual harassment. But it gets lonely being the only one taking a stand — it’s nice to finally see someone besides me fighting for straight rights.”
When pressed, an overweight and visibly dirty Peterson confessed that he has nothing against gay guys, “as long as they don’t hit on me.”