Saint John — When Fredericton announced plans to cut down 19 trees in Officers’ Square as part of a refurbishment project, the ensuing controversy lasted for weeks; in fact, it’s still going on.
Then, on Monday, Moncton revealed that it will be cutting down 16 trees in Aberdeen Park in an effort to curb illegal drug use and other crime. This decision left most Monctonians wondering, “Where will I do my drugs if not under a leafy tree in a public park?!?”
The Port City, not to be outdone, has announced that they will be cutting down more trees than Fredericton and Moncton combined.
“Pfft. Moncton’s only cutting down 16 trees? I could cut down 16 trees in my sleep,” bragged Saint John city planner Brett Burton. “As soon as I get the official go-ahead, I’ll chop down every last tree in or near King’s Square. Heck, make it the whole city!”
Although Burton hopes to be the one to cut most of the trees, he knows he’ll need assistance for a project of this magnitude. “Anyone’s welcome to help me out. No experience necessary. I’ve seen a lot of unnecessary vegetation over at Rockwood Park, too, if any volunteers want to start there.”
The city’s mayor explained to The Manatee the importance of the tree-cutting competition.
“We will never be shown up by Fredericton or Moncton — we’ll cut down two trees for every one those other so-called cities cut! Make it 10! That’s how we do things in Saint Awesome!” exclaimed Don Darling, donning his protective eyewear and revving his chainsaw to life. “As you all know, I’m a hands-on kinda guy, and if there’s something — anything — we can beat other cities at, I’ll personally make it happen.”
Critics of the plan say that, unlike Fredericton and Moncton, Saint John has no reason other than their competitive nature to chop the trees, so they should leave them be.
“It’s just a pissing contest,” said uptown woman Larissa Lockhart. “Everyone knows there are no drugs in Saint John, so it’s not like we have to make King’s Square safer. And there’s been no talk of refurbishing the square that I know of, so just why are we doing this?? It truly makes no sense.”
It was later revealed that the resulting lumber will be used to fuel the fireplace at the mansion of a certain Irving, who asked to remain nameless.
“It’s pretty nice of the Irvings to take the wood off our hands, when you think about it, because otherwise we’d have had to just chuck it all into the harbour,” Darling said. “Actually, they’re so nice that they initially offered to cut down all the trees for free, but I had a couple hours to kill today so I was like, ‘Nah, I got this.'”