Ottawa — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced a plan to ban single-use plastics in Canada by as early as 2021. Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer, though, says that this idea is vague, lacks evidence to support how it will work — and requires research on how it would affect Scheer himself.
“The Canadian economy is built on single-use plastics. If we stop using straws or throwing out all our plastic bags, small businesses will perish,” Scheer said, with no proof or evidence of his own to offer. “But more importantly, how would this affect my day-to-day?
“This could have a devastating impact on my life. I literally can’t drink without straws — not since I got rid of all my sippy-cups a couple years ago. And I use plastic bags every day! I wrap my money in them and bury them in the ground because the banks are too Liberal these days and I don’t trust ’em.”
Scheer listed other ways a plastics ban would derail his existence.
“I exclusively eat fast food because I don’t want any of that hippy-dippy ‘organic’ crap polluting my insides — no sir. If it’s not made by Colonel Sanders or Ronald McDonald, it’s not entering this beautiful body. And if all that packaging is banned, I can’t grab it at the drive-thru and go cruising around in my SUV. And what about drink stirrers? I need those to mix vodka into my Slush Puppies…and what the hell am I supposed to put those in?! This will be a nightmare!”
Sheer began ranting about how if the Liberals had any sense, they’d have come up with more obvious solutions to the destruction supposedly caused by plastic waste.
“They’re crying about the whales dying, but last I checked, almost no whales are part of the workforce or contribute to the economy. Have you ever seen a whale with an honest job, because I haven’t! Why save whales if they’re too lazy to go out and find work to save themselves?
“And there’s no proof that throwing all this plastic away hurts the environment or nature or whatever. The Earth is flat so why don’t we just bulldoze the plastic over the edge and get rid of it that way? Think, people!
“Clearly Trudeau is just grasping at straws,” concluded Scheer, too stupid to hear the irony of his phrasing.