Secret 'Alward Bunker' discovered in Noonan

Evidence that the Tories planned for a Doomsday scenario if they lost the 2014 election

Noonan¬†— In what may prove to be the most exciting archaeological discovery in New Brunswick’s history, amateur spelunkers have discovered a long-forgotten bunker apparently built by and for the Progressive Conservative Party of New Brunswick.

bunker2Two cavers, who were following up on rumours of a sinkhole in a farmer’s field, literally tripped over the entrance to the bunker. “I literally tripped over it,” said Gary Morecroft, pointing to the hatch he and his friend, Will Sizemore, found in May. “The shit we found down there is freaky, dude.”

That shit, researchers discovered, was an intact “doomsday” bunker, stocked with enough rations to supply a full cabinet of ousted politicians, their staff and personal assistants for 10 to 15 years — the time during which the PC party may have expected to have to be out of office and in hiding if the party lost the 2014 election.

Documents found inside suggest that the bunker was built on orders from former premier David Alward, using taxpayer money earmarked for “libraries, improvements to health care and paving the Bay of Fundy. The underground shelter was equipped for a long yet comfortable stay by the exiled Tory party, and contained dormitories, a movie theatre, Roman baths, a cabaret, another cabaret, a small brewery and 11 crates of custom toques, presumably¬†to keep the chill off.Tory Toque

Bunker expert Edward Friedman suggested that the bunker was built to “insulate and protect the politicians and their families from the maelstrom of a post-election failure and the inevitable collapse of a society run by Liberal wanks.” Evidence in the bunker certainly suggests this to be true; the walls are a metre thick, the structure is electronically shielded and all books in the bunker’s library have the words “liberal,” “freedom,” and “democratic” blacked out. “Once the doors were sealed, the inhabitants were going to be in there for the long haul.

The mayor of Noonan is hoping to get permission to turn the ‘Alward bunker,’ as he’s calling it, into a tourist attraction, even suggesting that people could pay to spend the night underground and experience what it is like to be a Progressive Conservative party member during Premier Gallant’s reign.

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