Saint John — Residents of the southwestern corner of the province are wondering if they will be testing the old saying “Good fences make good neighbours” next year. The leading Republican candidate for president, Donald Trump, said yesterday that there will be no wall along the Canadian border except in one particular case — New Brunswick.
“The Canadian people love me, and most of them are classy, wonderful people. Until 5 years ago, I’d never heard of a New Brunswick in Canada. I thought it was a city in Jersey,” confessed Trump to anyone who would listen. “My people told me that New Brunswick was sort of like ‘Mexico North,’ only some of them speak French instead of Español.
“After my trip there, I know it’s just a terrible, awful place and we need to protect the [United States] by any means necessary.”
The source of Trump’s dislike of New Brunswick dates back to an Oct. 6, 2011 incident during a visit to the province. Trump spoke to hundreds of empty seats and a small crowd at Saint John’s Harbour Station. Apparently during the visit, at one point he became thirsty and he availed himself of a glass of Saint John’s infamous tap water.
Trump claims the treated water was a “disaster” that literally left a permanent bad taste in mouth. “It’s like what you would imagine a glassful of mud-puddle water and batteries would taste like,” he said. Trump says that ever since that day nothing has tasted the same to him, maintaining that he can’t rid himself of the sensation.
While all experts maintain Trump’s claims are impossible and may be symptoms of mental illness, politicians have tried to mend fences with the mogul. “At the time, the mayor apologized to me saying they are working hard to make Saint John’s water great again. I said that’s an amazing slogan to put on a hat or something, but it’s really just meaningless words.”
Insiders say Trump’s allegedly diminished sense of taste and the resulting loss of his life quality colours his world view. Since the 2011 visit, it has led him to bouts of xenophobia and a rampant distrust of anything foreign.
His New Brunswick visit is also responsible for his burgeoning interest in politics. “After meeting premier Alward, Trump decided that he was fit to govern,” say unnamed sources. “He figured if that guy can be a ‘Canadian governor’ that he was more than qualified to be president.”
New Brunswick is one of 8 provinces and territories that share an 8,891 kilometre border with the United States — a total of 518 km in this province alone. The Gallant government is reportedly delighted to learn of the possibility of thousands of “wall-building” jobs. However, since Trump insists that New Brunswick pay for the wall, it’s more than likely it will be constructed of recycled lobster traps, composted fiddleheads and expired Ganong chocolates.