Conservative MP Keith Ashfield not taking a stance on anything this election, year

Conservative MP Keith Ashfield not taking a stance on anything this election, year

Lincoln — Conservative MP Keith Ashfield is firmly opposed to one thing: being firmly for or opposed to anything. The Fredericton politician has taken a stance against stances by refusing to speak with press of any kind or to answer any of his constituents’ questions.

“He’s elusive,” said CBC reporter Ray Steeves. “But you gotta hand it to him — he’s also tactical. If he doesn’t reveal how he feels about any one topic, then no one can be certain one way or another whether he’s against it. It’s genius, really.”

STU student reporters for The Aquinian recently interviewed all of the local party leaders, except the sole candidate they weren’t able to track down: Ashfield.

“I called him repeatedly, and sent him a dozen emails,” said Aquinian editor Rachelle Bartlett. “I then resorted to creeping him online, but he’s so old he doesn’t even have a Facebook account. Anyway, I doubt anyone at STU would vote Conservative, but it’s pretty annoying that Ashfield didn’t even have the decency to answer our questions.”

“He’s never been able to decide on anything,” said Ashfield’s wife, Judy. “On date night, I always have to choose the restaurant. I even try to giving him a few options for him to pick from, but he’ll just say ‘Doesn’t matter — whatever you want.’ It’s infuriating.

“Last Friday I really wanted to go to a movie, but just wanted him to choose which one, for once,” she went on. “He couldn’t decide, so we ended up seeing The Intern at the last minute. Then he wouldn’t choose between popcorn or Milk Duds, so I ended up with no snacks at all.”

Ashfield’s grown children Tara and Seth echoed their mother’s sentiments.

“You can’t buy him any birthday or Christmas presents because he won’t tell you what he likes or dislikes,” said a chagrined Seth. “I’ll even say ‘Dad, would you prefer a Home Hardware gift card or a wool sweater from L.L. Bean?’ and he’ll just change the subject!”

The Manatee attempted to secure an interview with the mystery man himself, but Ashfield missed the meeting because he was at home all morning, standing in front of the mirror trying to decide between his blue tie and his dark-blue tie.

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