Cape Breton — The results of the latest necropsies of two dead North Atlantic right whales have yielded some unflattering facts about these pitiful, unlucky creatures.
According to the Department of Fisheries and Oceans, the postmortem examinations reveal that right whales are simply humongous dopey klutzes bumbling around the ocean like total doofuses. In addition, despite having an entire ocean to live in, they somehow can’t manage to stop themselves from smashing into random boats.
“You can think of them like Goofy from the Disney cartoons, or maybe Ralph Wiggum or Patrick Star,” said DFO marine biologist Bailey Noire. “Despite there only being about 416 of these clumsy oafs swimming around out there in a huge ocean, these morons somehow can’t stop colliding with boats and dying. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad.”
The conclusions were drawn from two necropsies of whales found dead this month in the Gulf of St. Lawrence. The two recent deaths bring the total right whale fatalities up to 14 since 2017. The climbing body count led DFO to close several fishing zones in the gulf last year to protect the dwindling population.
“The only thing we’ve been able to think of to keep these dimwits alive is to literally remove all boats from huge swaths of the water. But, even that isn’t working anymore,” said Noire. “We can only do so much, these mammals really have to help themselves a little bit.
“Honestly, we might just have to admit that we are watching Darwinism at work. They might not be…umm, well-suited…to come out on top in a game of ‘survival of the fittest.’ There are literally more people trying to keep these whales alive than there are whales left. That’s not a good look for a species.
“At some point, you have to just throw up your hands and just let nature take its course.”