Fredericton — Dr. Jennifer Russell, Chief Medical Officer of Health for the Government of New Brunswick, has become a regular figure for those watching the daily COVID-19 updates. But Dr. Russell believes even more can be done to draw in a larger audience to the updates and keep New Brunswickers informed…and it all starts with a little peepee.
In an impromptu followup to a recent COVID update, Russell elaborated on the government’s plan to increase viewership of the daily events.
“The government has created a task force to immediately begin investigating ways to draw in more viewers to the daily updates. The ‘Watchability Task Force’ — or WTF as we have taken to calling it internally — is made up of individuals representing the age and background of every New Brunswicker, and they all have one thing in common: they really enjoyed hearing someone pee on microphone last week and are hoping they can recapture that magic.”
The Manatee tracked down a few WTF members after the briefing.
Billiam Chapman, a self-employed Instagram influencer and pet bird walker, has been appointed representative of the Millennial age group in the task force. “I think it’s great!” he exclaimed. “I mean, not the peeing, that’s gross, but the amount of views it got…wow, for the government, those are special numbers. I’m thinking that if we can somehow work cats into the next bathroom break, and choreograph a catchy dance number, we could start a TikTok craze!
“I’ve asked Dr. Russell if she’s willing to learn how to floss, but she keeps telling me she’s not sure how dental hygiene is going to improve ratings…Boomers, amirite!?”
Sam Clarke, one of the members of the group representing seniors, took issue more specifically about the peeing.
“I think that people my age are watching the updates anyway, so to me, I’m really just concerned about that young man’s flow from the update last week. I get my prostate checked every year, so I know what a good flow sounds like, and it sounded to me like he should be talking to his doctor…Honestly, I’m just here to see if I can get in touch with him.”
We reached Premier Higgs over the phone to ask him where the idea for the task force came from.
“Listen, updates are boring, I get it. No one wants to watch a talking head, no matter what the messages are, or how important they are to the people of New Brunswick. It’s on us to find a way to make them more interesting.”
“In fact”, he continued, “I’ll prove it to you!” The line went silent for a few moments before our reporter heard a zip and telltale splash of piddle in a government office urinal.
“There, isn’t that more entertaining? Throw in a little background music and edit in a dancing cat or something like that and suddenly people can’t get enough of our reports. We have a duty to get the word out, and if peeing on microphone makes that happen, then hand me a bottle of water!”