Newfoundland — COVID-19 projections released on April 1 for Newfoundland and Labrador show the peak of the pandemic might not come in that province until November and the severity and duration will depend entirely on whether individuals obey government orders to stay home.
This is proving to be rather difficult, however, for a province of fun-loving, touchy-feely, friendly people.
“I realize Newfoundlanders love their get-togethers,” stated Premier Dwight Ball. “But just last week I got invited to four shed parties, two kitchen parties, and six Sunday dinners and that’s completely unacceptable during a global pandemic! Just because literally everyone’s unemployed and on the pogey now, that’s no reason to get together to celebrate.”
In an effort to stop the spread of the virus, J.D. Irving has stepped in to help. The company announced that it would be halting its supply of toilet paper to Newfoundland and Labrador, an initiative which it hopes will help enforce social distancing.
“With so many supply chain issues right now, we just decided it would be easier to cut off Newfoundland and Labrador and redirect the toilet paper to the more accessible Atlantic provinces,” stated CEO Jim Irving.
“All that really matters right now is that people practise proper hand hygiene anyway. If we can just convince Newfoundlanders that, um, hynie hygiene doesn’t matter, soon the social distancing problem will take care of itself. People will be desperate to stay far away from one another.”
Susan McGrath, a resident of Come By Chance, commented on the topic.
“Whether you’re a Newf or a Come From Away, this pandemic’s been real tough on us all. Every Nan on The Rock wit’ a house full o’ doilies be stuck at home knittin’ up a storm, b’y! Outside I hear folks shoutin’, ‘Stay where you’re to!’ as they don’t want no’one gettin’ too close.
“But this news about no more toilet paper comin’ our way…Jayzus Murphy! Don’t believe the rumours, b’y. Despite what some people say, we’re the cleanest folks you ever did smell. I even makes me own soap, mind you. So how’s we s’posed t’manage without no butt-wipe?”
Arthur Murphy of Lord’s Cove also had strong feelings on the issue.
“First we alls had to stay home. Then we lost our jobs! Now they’re tellin’ us we can’t even wipe our arses no more! They wants us all to stink t’high heavens in order to make sure we keep folks far away. I handy ‘bout died when I first heard. ‘G’wan, b’y!’ I thought to myself, ‘They gots t’be pullin’ our legs, right?’
“Mind now, just ‘cause we ain’t got no toilet paper, that won’t stop me from visitin’ no one, no sir, b’y! I’ll just splash on a bit o’ the Ol’ Spice for an excursion round day bay to drop over ‘round by and by for Jigg’s Dinner. I’ll even bring some screech. It’s the Newfie way!”