Fredericton — New Brunswick’s capital city has long held the distinction of being home to “Canada’s worst drivers,” much to the chagrin of local Honda Civic owners. Between traffic congestion and an overwhelming surplus of inattentive drivers, local officials have for generations sought a solution to the problem. After decades of brainstorming, experts have narrowed in on one key issue: traffic lights.
According to their report, time spent idling at red lights drastically lowers drivers’ focus and can lead to complacency. In response to the report, Fredericton city council has, without exception, greenlit literally every single proposed traffic circle that has come across their desks, leading to an unprecedented increase in construction of roundabouts in the city and surrounding area.
Ironically, this has led to a drastic increase in traffic congestion, and therefore time spent idling, which leads to complacency and loss of focus. Though the traffic flow increase is a temporary problem, a darker consequence to Fredericton’s roundabout abundance is now being brought to light.
“People have been abusing the roundabouts,” Fredericton City Police spokesperson Constable Marie Gauround told The Manatee. “Especially the young drivers. They think it makes them cool somehow. They circle and circle around them and then find another one and circle some more. They’re too young; they haven’t built up their dizzy tolerance yet. It has led to hazardous conditions on the road.”
In the past six months alone, 23 residents have been charged with counts of “driving while off-balanced,” but so far, every case has been dismissed. “We can’t yet determine someone’s level of dizziness by their breath,” Gaurond continued, “but the technology is getting close.”
Rhonda Bout, chairperson of the Fredericton chapter of Mothers Against Dizzy Driving, has sent out a desperate plea to residents to avoid roundabouts whenever possible. “My son Joseph was an honour’s student,” she said. “He had his whole future ahead of him. When he was still underage, we took him on a roundabout once, but it was done responsibly and with adult supervision. We thought a little taste would be fine. To this day it is my biggest regret.”
Bout went on to explain that her son, after acquiring his license, began to abuse the roundabouts. “His friends were a bad influence,” she said. “They would go to parties together, but they would take the long way there, hitting every roundabout they could. He was addicted to ‘dizz’ before he even graduated high school.”
Against his parents’ wishes, Joseph did not enroll in university, instead getting a job operating a ferris wheel with the travelling exhibition.
“I know it’s our fault,” Bout continued, “but we were young parents and didn’t know any better.”
Though not yet declared an epidemic, the problem shows no sign of slowing down. Construction is well underway on a new roundabout on the Lincoln Road, which has local residents distraught. Sir Cole Rhode, a retired Englishman who immigrated to Canada a decade ago, warns of the chaos to come.
“We’re all too familiar with these vile roundabouts across the pond,” said Rhode. “I’ve seen too many young people lose themselves to these wretched things in my past. It’s part of the reason I left England in the first place. At first they seem harmless, a bit of fun, but a dependency quickly develops. I’ve ever heard some people claim one or two make them a better driver. It’s dreadful, and it’s dangerous.”
In an official release, Mothers Against Dizzy Driving stated that if they cannot be altogether avoided, then their use must be limited. “Have a plan, know your exit, and get off of them as soon as you can,” Rhonda Bout warned. “Know your own limits, and never get into a car with someone if they ask you to ‘go out for a spin.’”