No zombie apocalypse; empty schools because everyone out sick, says minister

No zombie apocalypse; empty schools because everyone out sick, says minister

Fredericton — Education Minister Bill Hogan finally spoke out today to address bizarre dystopian rumours related the province’s schools.

For days, stories have been circulating on social media saying New Brunswick schools are deserted, like scenes from a post-apocalyptic nightmare movie.

Even more troubling, there have been viral videos of “zombie school buses” — where buses roll up to the front doors of local schools, but when the doors open, no students get off.

While parents and the general public are speculating wildly, until today there has been no comment from the Department of Education. However, the minister now says the online chatter is out of control and he wants to clear the air.

“OK fine, we admit it! Everyone is sick!” spilled the exasperated education minister. “Me, the students, teachers, EAs, custodians, lunch ladies, classroom pets…everyone! But, just because schools are deserted doesn’t mean anything’s wrong. ‘It’s all good dude!’ as the kids say. Do the kids still say that?”

“The kids never said that,” sighed a reporter.

The frank admission comes as many are concerned about the so-called “triple threat” of respiratory viruses circulating in the province. Doctors are saying of rising cases of influenza, COVID-19 and respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) are putting a huge, additional strain on the health care system.

When asked if this new wave of illness meant a return to indoor masking or closing selected schools, the minister laughed raspily into his sleeve.

“God no!” croaked Hogan. “Jeez, can you imagine? The Premier would send me to join the ‘Cardy party’ in a hot second!

“So, what’s the province doing? Nothing…absolutely nothing! Actually, less than nothing because we aren’t even talking about it!” he sniffed. “If we don’t talk about it, it’s not happening…KHAK KHAK WHOOOLP!”

The unmasked minister paused while he doubled over coughing, then after about 30 seconds he spat a hearty loogie onto the ground.

As the media recoiled in disgust, Hogan said, “What, no more questions? Are you sure? I’d be happy to get right in your face to discuss it.” The minister then blew his nose loudly into a hanky until every reporter left.

  1. John-Glen Sarchfield December 13, 2022, 12:08 pm

    I thought Bill Hogan was the Minister of Public Safety? I am living in a dirty place with a bunch of people that I do not know, their names either. It is dirty and my stuff keeps getting stolen from me, even with cameras called Defender. The building is pretty much directly across from his Constituency office. I have sent e-mail messages to him but he is ignoring sending any messages back. His name on the window is larger than any other bullshit words on it, right by the multi-cultural center, which their is a sign across the road with the words End Polio Now. In one of the entrances, their is a plaque thingy with names on it. There is about five different names on it that end in Singh. I looked at the names one night and said to myself and air-head bubbles that talk a lot, that I am living with Vijay Singh’s grandkids and terrorists, but not too loudly. Just loud enough for the talking air-head bubbles that are invisible to hear me.


Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.