New Brunswick — Justin Trudeau, Canada’s second-youngest and by far most handsome prime minister ever, is stopping in New Brunswick today as part of his nation-wide “listening tour,” where he will sit quietly without saying a single word.
“The prime minister is very devoted to showing up at these places and just kind of chilling out for a bit while people talk at him,” explained Juliana Hardaway, an aide for Trudeau. “He’s going to look at them occasionally, flash that brilliant smile of his and if the people are lucky and he’s feeling up to it, he may even run his fingers through his glorious hair — you’ll just have to wait and see.”
Hardaway explained how the concept of a listening tour came about. “Well, we knew we wanted to get out and win back some favour with the public,” she admitted. “The prime minister has been under scrutiny lately since his comments about Castro and then his vacation.
“And so, our team got together and figured out how to repair the damage. We all agreed that the best way would be to just make him look pretty and ensure that he’s not saying anything that could be misconstrued.”
Some New Brunswick residents who have been looking forward to asking Trudeau some hard questions are disappointed that they won’t be getting any responses.
“I want to know about this carbon tax thing! I want to know about why he thinks it’s OK to use tax money for his trips and I want to know what he uses in his hair,” demanded Kyle Offerman of Riverview. “Sure, it’ll be nice to see him smile and such, but I’d like to have some answers, too. I mean, is it Axe? Is it Dippity-do? Or is it something you can only buy in salons?”
In a surprising move, Premier Brian Gallant is fighting on the side of the New Brunswick population.
“This is outrageous!” declared Gallant in what seems to be the first time he’s backed the province in any regard. “Our people want answers and they want a chance to actually speak to our PM and be spoken to — I will not stand for this and I fully expect to discuss this with Mr. Trudeau over dinner and beers tonight at my place.”
When our reporter questioned Trudeau’s aide about Gallant’s outrage, Hardaway was quick to point out why the New Brunswick premier was so angry.
“Oh, he’s just butt-hurt that Justin isn’t speaking to him either. Brian has been calling non-stop for weeks and frankly, it’s one of the reasons the prime minister was so keen on our plan for him to not speak at all.”