New Brunswick — Travellers within the Atlantic Bubble have reported inconsistent wait times at the provincial borders, with some waiting hours to get into P.E.I., while others are being waved right through into New Brunswick. New Brunswick’s Public Health Minister Carl Urquhart said that whether people are waved through or not is left up to the discretion of the border guards.
The border guards in question appear to be letting vehicles in depending on “how sick they look.”
“Some folks roll by in a lame-ass van, stuffed with kids’ toys and garbage. We always pull those over,” said Greg Jenson, border guard at the New Brunswick side of the Confederation Bridge. “But every now and then someone cruises through in a Jaguar or a Tesla, and we’re all so pumped that we let them on through!”
Numbers provided by the Department of Public Safety show that on average, 1,280 cool cars are let through each day without having to stop. Roughly 4,000 other types of “normal” or “lame” vehicles are stopped to go through rigorous health screenings and questioning.
“This isn’t fair at all! I’ve been sitting here in my old Kia Rio for two hours with no air conditioning, and some asshole in a convertible mustang got to pass the whole line!” said Kent Dillon, father of four. “The guy was coughing and pale and definitely had COVID-19, and they didn’t even test him!”
“It’s nice to be rewarded for putting in the time and effort to enjoy the finer things in life,” said a smug Clyde MacTavish, 50, of Rothesay. “When you drive a luxury vehicle it shows that you take the time to be cleaner, wealthier, and generally better than someone who drives, say, a Camry. Of course I deserve to be let through. I have places to be.”
Anyone concerned about the screening method is being asked to just wait a bit.
“I’m sure that even by this weekend we’ll have some new inconsistent, unfair, arbitrary rules in place that have nothing to do with cars,” shrugged Jeson. “If not, I’ll just go with my gut.”