Atlantic Canada — Some local office workers have been informed during a mandatory meeting that their workplace is “just like a family.”
Family members at VisionTech Enterprises, a company that weirdly has nothing to do with vision or tech, but is actually a marketing agency, have a tendency to disappear with little to no warning — but that, according to the CEO-slash-Dad, does not make them any less valuable members of the fam-jam.
“Whether you’re a brother in sales, a sister in HR or an aunt in accounting, we want you to feel free to be yourself and build valuable relationships with the whole family tree,” proclaimed CEO Jamie Lovell, 42, who was peering around the room looking for family members who may have been slacking on their assigned duties from the chore-wheel-slash-sales-targets this week.
“We’re just one, big, happy family here, and we have each other’s backs!”
“If you ever need anything at all, I’m like your mom,” said VP of sales Kassandra Olsen, 35, who had just finished filling out a scathing performance review of a few subordinate-siblings.
“But like, a cool mom. I’m here for you no matter what, but I also know how to have fun!” she added, eyeing a few people she intended to let go without cause as early as the beginning of the fourth quarter.
After the meeting, a few black sheep expressed their doubts in the family ties.
“Yeah, I guess the CEO is just like a dad…in that he’s absent most of the time, but when he shows up he’s drunk and abusive,” said one family member who wished to remain anonymous. “If this is really a family, I’m pretty sure I’d be at best a third cousin. I could get the axe any day now. Please don’t let Mom and Dad know I was talking to you!”
“I could barely stomach being referred to as a ‘teammate’ on the VisionTech team,” said graphic designer Sasha Peters, 27. “All those ridiculous sports analogies did not do it for me. Then they morphed us from team to family almost overnight, so I think there have to be some major layoffs coming. I guess we could be like one of those dysfunctional families that just cuts people out for stupid, petty reasons? That is accurate, I suppose.”
At press time, COO-slash-stepmom Wanda Bernard was approaching a disposable content-writer-slash-nephew to inform him he would have to find somewhere else to live as the family would no longer be supporting him financially.