Campbellton — As COVID-19 continues to ravage the globe, the cracks in our civilized society are beginning to show, and darkest facets of human nature are now rearing their ugly visage. Case in point: the small town of Campbellton, New Brunswick, where one desperate family has begun resorting to cannibalism just to stay alive.
“I mean, have you tried braving the crowds at Costco right now?” Said Andrew Barry, 39, “Forget about it.”
Andrew and Samantha Barry, parents to two preschool-aged children, told The Manatee that they had begun their flesh-eating rampage just three days into their self-imposed quarantine.
“Well, we started with the goldfish,” said Andrew. “Then we moved onto the cat, the dog, the local health-nut joggers. Basically, we’re just working our way up to humans. Baby steps. Things didn’t get real until we killed and ate the UPS guy. That was the real turning point.”
Since then, these bloodthirsty fiends have gobbled up everybody from stray schoolchildren to their neighbours, the Thompkins.
“Now who’s ‘let their lawn go too long,’ Thompkins?” Andrew chuckled derisively.
This Friday, however, the family has resolved to fast in observance of the religious holiday, which stipulates that its followers not consume meat.
“Yes, we’re a Catholic household,” said Samantha, picking at an indeterminate pink object in between her molars. “Not that we’re particularly devout or anything, we just think it’s important to have some kind of moral framework when raising a family.”
In preparation for the long day ahead, the family planned a large, celebratory meal the night before. On the menu? Ralph Brigham, the Rogers™ TV repair man. In a rare display of fellowship, the family invited your Manatee reporter to attend.
Naturally, I had no interest in partaking in the reprehensible feast, but I graciously accepted so to observe the degenerate feeding practices of the execrable family. Upon returning, I will relate the savagery of what I have seen.
Editor’s note: This was the final dispatch from our contributor, sent Thursday at 18:28. If you have any information that might lead to the safe recovery of Brandon Hicks, age 26 (answers to “B-Dawg” and “Hey Asshole”), please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.