Fredericton — As the province reels from the news of 27 new COVID-19 cases on Tuesday, the government has decided to move away from the well-known pandemic colour classifications.
Starting today, the government will “rebrand” parts of the COVID levels of recovery in an attempt to reduce New Brunswickers’ negative perception of the restrictions.
“We aren’t actually changing anything,” confided Dr. Jennifer Russell. “However, there are a small bunch of snowflakes out there who spend all of their time consuming conspiracy theories on the internet who are raising a fuss. So, we are ‘wordsmithing’ some of these to try to tamp down the crazy a bit.
“For example, moving back to the ‘orange’ phase has picked up a really negative connotation recently,” she said. “So beginning today, the orange phase will now be known as the ‘tangerine’ level. See, doesn’t that sound better? Everyone likes tangerines!
“The yellow phase will now be ‘canary’ — can’t you just hear that sweet canary tweet-tweet-tweeting away? The red level will now be ‘puce‘ — I mean, it still sounds bad but most people don’t know what the hell that even is.”
There are other changes to the COVID recovery levels as well in an attempt to win new support from the public. These updates include:
- Anyone who refuses to wear a mask will get a 30-minute time-out, during which they have to stand in a circle of health care workers who mock their ignorance.
- Single family bubbles may exclude your mother-in-law if she is “always on your case.”
- Teenagers must clean up after themselves during all levels of recovery or receive a fine of 292.50 minutes without their phones.
- While in self-isolation, every New Brunswicker will receive daily deliveries of an Alpine six-pack with a side order of hot wings.
- While making long trips in vehicles, face masks for children are required if they will not just shut the hell up already.
- If on a New Year’s diet, face masks are required after picking up food from a drive-thru window.
- Gym workouts will be less intense by mandating twice the amount of standing around beside workout equipment checking your phone.
- Parishioners may watch hockey during drive-in church services as long as nobody notices.