Fredericton — In a world filled with hyper-sensitive people not wanting to offend or be offended, one Fredericton man has tried an approach with his wife of 11 years that many thought obsolete: honesty. And now he may find himself single for the rest of his days.
Troy Jollimore is a devoted husband and father who insists he’s madly in love with his wife, even declaring that he’s “more attracted to her now than ever before.” But last weekend, his wife, Flora-Marie, asked him a daring question to which he gave a shockingly truthful answer.
“She put on an old pair of jeans that just didn’t fit her right and she asked me if she looked fat in them,” said the teary-eyed husband. “I thought she wanted the truth, so I said ‘yeah, kind of.’ I mean, what was I supposed to say? Those jeans were like 15 years old, she’s had five kids and has eaten a lot of pie since then — I mean a lot. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not fat at all, but those jeans were pushing her love handles out and it kind of looked like when you break the seal on one of those Pillsbury things.”
Jollimore explained that his wife hadn’t worn these particular jeans since high school. “A few weeks ago she found a box of old clothes when she was putting the Christmas decorations away. She went through it and found this old pair of Edwins, and she thought she might try and bring them back into style.”
Flora-Marie shared her recollection of the events. “He obviously hasn’t looked in a mirror anytime lately,” she said with a vein popping out on the side of her forehead. “I look good — damn good. He had a simple task in front of him: just say no. If he had just said no, then I wouldn’t be contacting a lawyer right now and maybe, just maybe we could’ve lived happily ever after.”
The 42-year-old mother said she’s still going to wear her old jeans despite what her husband told her, and that she expects to “find a new man who’ll treat me right by lying to me when need be.”
Troy Jollimore hasn’t yet given up hope of reconciliation.
“I’ll tell her she’s super-skinny!” he cried. “I’ll say I like her cooking, and her mother! I’ll listen attentively when she goes on and on about the women she hates at her work. I’ll watch The Bachelor with her, or Nashville — whatever it takes, I’ll do it. I’ll even pretend I don’t smell anything if she accidentally farts in bed. I just want her back!”
Flora-Marie expressed doubts about the possibility of the pair rekindling their love. “Troy, move on,” she said. “Lose some wight, maybe get some hair-plugs, shave that stupid beard and start being a real man, and lie through your teeth the next time you’re asked a question like that.”